A few weeks ago, I met a handful of guys from a local FTM group to see a movie, and it was the first time ever that I was referred to using male pronouns. It was weird and exciting and… really kind of AMAZING. They also called me by my chosen male name, and for that entire evening I was just one of the guys. Hanging with m’boys. Guy’s night OUT!!! YEEEAH!*ahem*It was cool.;)BUT. It also stirred-up a lot of new fears…I didn’t exactly know how to be “one of the guys”. I didn’t know which restroom to use – so I didn’t go at all. I felt like everyone in the movie theater somehow knew that we/THEY weren’t “real” men – especially with me there. I definitely felt a little out of place since I’m pre-op and pre-T, and I felt like I outed them just by being with them. I didn’t feel the confidence that I’ve developed as a masculine female. It felt new and scary. I felt like *I* was judging them. ME. I was judging myself. A VERSION of myself that didn’t even exist yet…I couldn’t help but notice their deep voices and their height. Their facial hair and their hands… and their receding hairlines. It was like I wanted to absorb everything they were representing. everything they ARE… and try it on – like a shirt at TJ Maxx… only I was afraid that it wouldn’t fit — and then I’d be left again with no answers. no direction. and no idea what to do next.I saw enough of myself in them to realize that I DO want to keep moving in this direction. Unfortunately, what I saw also created a tiny seed of doubt.But you know, I think doubt is a natural part of fear, and fear is a natural part of change. So, I’m really trying to not freak out too much over any doubts that I’m experiencing. I know I’ll end-up at “Z” eventually, but right now I’m only at “D” and I’m going to try to ONLY to worry about “E” – and not overwhelm myself with my fears associated with “Q” and “R” and “S”.I’ll get there eventually… one baby step at a time.