I found this handwritten note folded into a tight square, with skills of a 14 year old girl teetering on the brink of teenage angst and intense, closeted confusion.
Looking back now, I feel so much heartache for this young girlboi who was SO desperately searching for anyone else in the world who felt like “her”…
Someone who might, finally understand who she is and let her know that she is not broken, a mistake, or full of unlovable sin.
You can clearly see the suicidal seeds in my thoughts at this age, although any serious contemplation was still years and decades aways.
I’m sharing this in the spirit & spiritually-healing greatness of Mortified. So, I’ve typed letter below and will leave my grammar uncorrected in order to maintain the integrity and authenticity of my 14-year-old-voice. 🙂
It’s interesting to find this, now, after attending two transgender support group meetings in rural East Texas last week.
I loved meeting all the compassionate, courageous young people (ages 14~ish through twentysomething~ish) who are all in their own process of discovering & owning their truths, while living, learning, and earning in places and with people who are very much not like them.
I wanted to go to these meetings, because even at 43 years young, I ALSO (still) want a safe space and community where I can practice my voice and be more fully myself in my skin and a place I can be seen as who I am.
The very same things my 14-year old self needed in 1990, and I’m finally learning how to be a better parent to that kid inside me, still desperately searching for acceptance & belonging
Webster calls emotions, “A strong surge of feeling marked by an impulse to outward expression and often accompanied by complex bodily reactions; any strong feeling or sensibility.”
As of now, I’m not sure what’s going on in my life.
I feel alone a lot of the times (of course I know I’m far from it).
I’m changing, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to, but I can’t stop it from happening. I may go crazy if something doesn’t happen soon. I’m not sure what that something is but I’ll be glad when I know.
All these different feelings and emotions bunched up inside of me, and I don’t know exactly how to control them…
I never know which one will be coming up next.
Am I growing up? I’ve always had this fear of growing up into a stuffy old business woman who never has any fun and takes every word said to her seriously. That CAN’T happen to me! I won’t ALLOW it!
I am so confused I don’t know how to act or what to say to people anymore. I usually manage okay around friends because they are—well, friends.
I was watching Sally R. one night and they had multiple personalities on there.
I started thinking, what if something like that happens to me? I’m at the age they say it starts kicking in.
One of the major causes is stress and I’m rolling in that.
That’s the thing, see… My friends (I don’t think) couldn’t really picture me stressed out but I am… Like a mongo hound!
A lot of the reasons I couldn’t write, they are too complicated to say or write down. That’s why no one knows. And a lot of the little things that happen they just pile up and up, and I don’t do anything to stop it, and they’ll just keep building up on me until someday I’ll crack. I don’t know what I would do if that happened… I really don’t.
Someday I could be pushed to the point of—NO.
I wouldn’t do that, nevermind.
(Never can tell though)
Of course I surely wouldn’t. I’m just plain confused now, actually I’m more than just plain confused. That’s the problem—I don’t know! I think the majority of my stress is from worrying so much. I seem to do that more than I used to. I hate it.
circa 1990
age 14