For some reason there are a few posts from the original GENDERFUL site that didn’t make the jump when I moved from WordPress to Squarespace. One of the lost posts was a personal favorite, and luckily I found it archived elsewhere, so I’m posting it again, here, on Squarespace. I made a few edits to the original that only serve to add clarity or relevance to my new now reality.
In time, I may add a few more of the old posts that didn’t make it over, but for now, I will just let them stay where they are and keep my energy focused on writing and sharing more of the, always, new and changing and shifting perspectives and ideas found in this present moment.
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The Sensitivity of Scars
I have two scars across my upper chest from my “cosmetic” double-mastectomy almost four years ago.
This is the surgery that first freed me from a body that did not belong to me.
This is the surgery that cracked-open my physical shell and catalyzed a dissolution of the lines and labels that I’d been using to define who I {thought I} was.
They were nearly unbearably sensitive that first year.
The scars.
It always felt like I had a belt wrapped tightly around my chest, squeezing, and I hated for my shirt to brush across those tender lines.
The residual pain still cut me deep.
I’d been sliced wide-open, and all of my insecurities were exposed. I was vulnerable and open. Everyone in my life was a witness to this intimate transformation of body and mind and spirit. There was nowhere left for me to hide, so I had no choice but to step, fully and completely into my-self.
My real self.
Now, the scars are barely visible, and the shape and the look of my chest, my body, my entire BEING, are in sharp contrast to what they were before beginning this physical journey.
The sensitivity has changed, too.
That touchy, tingly feeling that used to keep me on-edge has slowly shifted into something else, entirely…
Both the scars and the pain have faded. Remnants of old battle wounds that have long healed and left me with an amazing gift of heightened reception in my heart.
Now, those sensitive lines serve as a source of deep emotional connection.
Now, that lingering, tingling sensation reminds me of love.
The love that inspired me to begin this physical journey. The love that has supported me every step of the way. The love that sustains me, now and always.
Now, I can sense love in a way I never could have never experienced without them… Not without these physical scars, certainly, and not without the scars this experience left me, emotionally and spiritually, as well.
The scars that ALL of life leaves behind.
Scars that shape our experiences.
Scars that remind us of where we began and of how far we’ve come.
Scars that look, in many ways, similar to your scars. All scars.
Before, I was buried underneath a layer of unwanted flesh, and thoughts, that kept me insulated from my feelings and afraid to open my heart. I was afraid of most everything and everyone, and I struggled to genuinely connect.
In my attempt to shift my exterior to match my interior, my true nature was revealed.
I was uncovered. Discovered. Remembered.
It’s taken many more months for me to understand how to release my other, burdensome layers of excess… excess thoughts… excess weight… excess stress… I’m still provided with new opportunities, everyday, to practice letting go.
But now, my heart is open.
Now, I am open, and I am free to feel loved.
Now, I know that I am exactly who I was always meant to be.
Now, I am perfectly, who I am…
Scarred and sensitive and free.