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Stages of Transformation
Pt. 1 Dissonance
This is where my personal transition (and that process of change) began.
I felt… uncomfortable…
And I mean, not like, socks-or–panties-slightly-bunched uncomfortable…
I’m talking perpetual, consistent, indescribable discomfort… More like — bunched-socks-and-panties-for-infinity-with-no-opposable-thumbs…
So, D I S C O M F O R T.
It was an INTENSE unease inside my skin.
I felt that broad, overarching, and aching discomfort in my actual, physical body, first…
Dysphoria.
That’s what the doctors labeled my specific sort of “dis-ease” at the time.
Maybe it was mental, but to me, it felt immensely physical.
I mistyped it, discomforth.
Like my body was saying to me, “Come forth!”
I can see it, now — the discomfort was calling me out.
And after I finally started paying attention, I learned that my body was asking me questions…
Sort of, important(-ish) questions, like…
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“So, do you think something else might feel better?”
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“Anything?”
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“…Anything?”
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“Anything??”
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“Hello? HALP?!”
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“WTF’s going on in here?”
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“HEY! MAN! WHAT CAN WE DO (OR CHANGE?!) TO FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER?!”
Yooo that last one was a doozy…
I heard it. I felt it.
I made a list…
I thought (maybe?) eventually, I (might?) take some massive action after I found enough resources and support and vision to gather with my dwindling courage… And…
THEN, I’d think, I was ready to take a big step or make a big change…
I could (finally!) confidently take that epic leap of faith!
AND I would land safely & squarely amidst the cloud-cushioned comfort of my dreams!
Okay. Maybe not…
At the very least, I could silently skip towards something new… Do my best. And tiptoe through a few tinybabysteps in the direction of anything else…
Just, NOT THIS. Anything but T H I S.
But before awkward stumbles or bold moves, there was a more basic step…
My first step was noticing that I felt out of sync with something… ?
Then— instead of ignoring or excusing it —I somehow figured out how to stop reacting to it. Just long enough to get a decent look at it…
And then, I could see the source of that discomfort and dis-ease.
When I did, finally, look at it, I could feel it — that deep, deep ache — inside my physical body…
So, I felt INTO it even more.
And I guess it sounds weird, but I decided to… Listen… More…
Like, “I listened to my body.”
I mean… I know, right!?
It was, for sure, a weird concept for me back in 2010.
But I listened anyway…
For a minute. Or two. Three. Ten.
Some call it meditation. Or maybe intuition.
For others, it might’ve felt more like a prayer…
I just knew that I needed to somehow allow (?) the momentum of it to happen..
And to start to ask it (?)… HOW and WHY?
To at least, get some sort of feel for it and slow it down enough to see it.
Maybe even start to notice my reactions to it.
To feel inside it and hopefully understand it.
It was like the discomfort finally helped me know that I wanted to feel something more like comfort in my body.
Or just, something else…
I knew I wanted to find and feel something closer to my-self, anyway.
Up until then, most of the time, I really didn’t care where the relief from my discomfort came from or for how long it lasted.
I mostly just didn’t want to feel anything, at all, right now. Especially not the pain of being in a body that wasn’t my own. AND I most definitely didn’t want to feel uncomfortable and uncertain — both — at the same time.
No.
No f — ing way. I’ll just stay put right here in my shit, thankyouverymuch.
That’s why it was so easy for me to mask it and hide from it for so long…
So, of course, those years turned into decades…
I used ALL THE DISTRACTIONS I could find. I left no space for feelings or feeling things or feeling into things. Definitely no time for taking those new actions or making the new things happen.
Only those same old patterns of reactions–and–more—reactions, only–reactions…
DISSONANCE IN MUSIC IS OFF-HARMONY.
You can feel it in your body (the “off-ness” of it).
Dissonance in music drives us to a resolution. It brings relief from the tension its two opposing notes or chords, created…
Discomforts can drive us to our own inner revelations or personal revolutions — or at least, the creation of something new.
Either way, the release brings a sense of relief and feels like comfort to our body/mind/soul…
Now I see them everywhere I go…
Those uncomfortable opportunities for growth.