I originally wrote this in September of 2014, four years into my medical and social transition and never published it. I think it felt too honest at the time. Maybe a little TOO in-between.

Reading it now, twelve years later, the in-between turned out to be the whole point.

This might be the most honest thing I ever wrote about living in a changing body, and it belongs to anyone who's ever felt like a work in progress.

I'm publishing it exactly as I wrote it then. The truth in it is still there...

Here's the truth about my body right now.

I feel much more at home in this iteration of my physical body than I've felt before, probably ever—certainly since early childhood—before puberty, for sure—since back when I still felt free to be just exactly who I was. Simply. Without so many social and societal constructs and expectations around gender identity and expression.

Although, despite everything, I still find myself feeling self conscious about this body I've created—the body I AM creating—this body that's being created through me. Wearing this more masculine form still feels a bit new and in-between sometimes.

Not necessarily because of physical dysphoria anymore, though—so much more has changed within me, than without. I can't place blame upon any lingering confusion around the notion I've come to know as, "gender".

The truth is, wearing this body feels in-between because it IS in-between.

There is part of me that has desperately wished that I'd been born a cisgender male, but then, I always end-up at the question, "Then, who would I be?"

I certainly wouldn't be the version of myself that I am today—not the one with this particular perspective and understanding. I would be someone else entirely. I would be another unique being, having other unique experiences. I would probably express a completely different ratio of masculine/feminine energies, and I'd likely experience altogether different insecurities about my physical body.

I wasn't born cisgender because I wasn't meant to be cisgender.

I was meant to be transgender and to learn how to accept what it feels like to be a little in-between and a little of both sides of the energetic/gender spectrum. I was meant to journey through both and ultimately, find comfort in-between. In both. Again and again. Over and over.

My personal in-between is always moving. Shifting and changing. It’s a scale that’s perpetually sliding into a state of balance depending on the circumstances of each new NOW moment.

Sometimes I feel very masculine in this body. I feel strong and focused, and I feel like moving and making. I enjoy the still new-to-me shape the muscles that are still coming into form throughout my arms, shoulders, chest, and back have made. I love how the masculine expresses itself through the pointed movement of this body; I love its strength. Sometimes I feel confident and aligned with masculine energy, and I enjoy expressing it through this, more masculine, form.

Sometimes I feel very feminine in this body. I feel open and receptive and creative and expansive, and I feel like nurturing and holding and absorbing and being. I enjoy the subtle, underlying sense of softness that's lingered around this physical body. I love its flexibility and fluidity. Sometimes I feel confident and aligned with feminine energy, and I enjoy allowing it to be in this more masculine form.

This is that intersection where society's prescribed notions about masculinity and femininity have created so much mental confusion for me, personally, in the past.

I was unable to connect with feminine energy while embodying a female physical body. I didn't understand how to be a feminine female-bodied human, and I certainly didn't want to be perceived as a feminine female-bodied human. Of course, I'd also been taught that to be feminine was to be weak, and to be masculine was to be strong. There was a disconnect between what I appeared to be and how I saw myself to be. I knew I wasn't weak, so I believed I must not be feminine, and of course, I equated femininity with being female-bodied. Therefore, I experienced a strong aversion to my own female body.

So many fears, based upon thoughts—that I repeatedly told and taught myself, over and over—that weren't even true!

I know that lot of that disconnect—for me, and maybe even the entirety of my personal experiences with gender dysphoria that'd, ultimately, lead to my physical transition, were rooted in the collective suppression of feminine energy—in my OWN suppression of feminine energy, clearly.

I had to experience both perspectives, before I could open myself to the existence of both energies. I had to see it without before I could see it within.

Now, from within this more masculine form, I'm able to see both energies flowing into and through this one physical vessel, as they flow through all human vessels.

Both through all. There is strength in both and weakness in both.

Shifting. Changing. Transforming.

This physical body is so much different than the physical body I had before, and it's still in the process of shifting and changing.

It always will be, for as long as it exists as a vessel for this soul.

The body will forever be shifting and changing and transforming into yet another version of itself. And then another. And another. And another…

This body is currently shifting towards a healthier version of itself—a more flexible, stronger, more vital body. I choose in each and every moment if I will help this body shift towards wellness or towards dis-ease.

I never much cared for many versions of the body I previously occupied.

There were times it was extremely unhealthy and unhappy—it was always a perfect outer reflection of my inner state of dis-ease and unhappiness.

Now, I love this body in a way I never knew was possible.

Sure, I still experience those seeming insecurities about this shifting, changing, in-between body that I'm still learning to accept and to love, just as it is, but my body IS still shifting and changing, and I AM still shifting and changing, and I am definitely still learning...

My body will continue to reflect back to me exactly how I feel about myself and my thoughts and my life. It reflects how we, all, collectively feel.

Right now, collectively, society still believes there are only two genders and only two sexes and only two sexual orientations, so—since my personal experience falls well beyond the current realm of what's been deemed by society as "normal"—I DO often feel insecure about things like public restrooms, sexual intimacy, and wondering what "others" might think of my scars or my height or my softness—my nurturing—my openness—my vulnerability in this more masculine body.

I still feel insecure at times, because collectively, we still feel insecure.

But 🙂

This is also shifting and transforming and transforming!

This IS my path at this moment. I'm learning to open myself to the feminine energy that has always wanted to be within me, to empower it, by giving it a voice through the masculine, and to allow myself to shift and change and grow through the movement of both energies that exist within me.

I'm learning to allow my masculinity/masculine energy to express who I am and my femininity/feminine energy to be who I am. Two energies and one physical form in a creative dance of expression and experience.

This is truth for me right now.

This may change in time.

I AM always, perpetually changing. Shifting. Transforming. Growing.

I will be off-balance, again.

Then, when perspectives shift, again, I’ll regain my balance, again, amongst both swirling, shifting energies, and if only for this moment, I will see that comfort in-between IS acceptance and LOVE for exactly who I AM, right now, in this perfect shifting, changing body.