The Coming Out Letter to My Friends

Sixteen years ago, four weeks into testosterone, I sat down and wrote the story of how I came out to about to the first forty people at once... And then I never hit publish.

I found it this year while reconstructing twenty-one years of my old blogs, sitting in a drafts folder since July of 2010. Reading it again, I remembered exactly why I wrote it: when I was preparing to come out, I searched everywhere for a letter I could relate to, and I couldn't find one. So I wrote my own.

I'm publishing it now for the person still searching. If that's you, please feel free to borrow anything you need from here.

You can use the structure, full sentences, or even the whole thing. It worked for me. Every fear I had about sending it turned out to be smaller than the freedom on the other side.

Here's the post, exactly as the 2010-version-of-me wrote it.

Hello friends!

I know it's been quite some time since I've spoken to many of you, and I sincerely hope this note finds you all doing well.

I'll go ahead and get right to the point of this letter...

This is, simultaneously, one of the most exciting AND one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and I decided that writing to you would be the best way to share my news!

I've actually identified as gender queer for the last several years. That is, I really didn't feel like I fit in the "girl box" or the "boy box", but more in-between somewhere... and I've really been okay (for the most part) with how people/strangers/friends perceived me and my gender. I understand that most of that time, I was perceived as a butch lesbian—which was also fine (for the most part)—because I do date women. However, this discussion really has nothing to do with the gender of the people I have been in relationships with, but rather with my OWN gender identity.

Most of you know that I've lived the majority of my adult life as a masculine female—going all the way back to early childhood; I have always preferred and been naturally drawn to boy's activities/mannerisms/clothing, etc., and was reduced to tears when forced by my mom in the 2nd grade to wear a dress to school for picture-day.

I guess that's a big reason that I never really identified with the gay label—or ANY labels for that matter. It's taken me a long time to figure it out and get to the point where I feel comfortable admitting my truth—both to myself and now to all of you.

While I DO still identify and label myself (when forced to) as gender queer; I also realize that my life would make a lot more sense if I was perceived as male, rather than female—even if it were as a "butch" or masculine female—those are labels that just don't fit me. They have never fit. No more so than being seen strictly as a feminine female would have. "Being a boy" has always been very natural for me, and it's something I've always been aware of. Unfortunately, society only gives us two choices regarding gender, and our gender is labeled, at birth, according to our sex. There is no "other" option. I REALLY wish there were! I wish it were within mainstream society's understanding to accept the notion of gender as a spectrum.

Unfortunately, much like sexuality, it's considered a black and white issue, and all of the amazing gray areas (where so many of us ACTUALLY exist) are left to feel like a "mistake" or "abnormal" or even worse, by some... an "abomination".

As a quick aside, let me share—feeling that you're an abomination your entire life has a way of creating a lot of fear in a person... and not necessarily fear of God or fear for one's salvation, but mainly fear of human judgment. Fear of society's rejection. Fear of losing your life, job or family and friends...

But I digress 🙂 This isn't a soapbox or a pity party. It's a celebration of my freedom and of my future! 🙂 A future where I can find peace in knowing that people will finally see me the way I should be seen.

All of that to say... there is very little about myself that I associate (or have EVER associated) with being inherently female or certainly not as being feminine.

(Ha, you're probably thinking, "well DUH!"?) 😉

At least, I'm hoping that this information won't be a huge shock or surprise to many of you.

The truth is my gender has been the source of confusion for as long as I can remember... and for a VERY long time, I assumed it was my sexual orientation that made me "different". Over the last several years I've come to realize that it's actually the fact that I have the body of a female, but I SO clearly fall (in SO many other ways) on the male side of the gender spectrum.

I'm currently in my fourth week of testosterone replacement therapy, and I will also be having chest surgery sometime early in 2011. I'm working with a team of highly-qualified gender therapists and physicians who are assisting me with my physical transition. I've already shared this news with many of my close friends, and it's been a huge relief to have such an AMAZING support system in place as I've prepared for these discussions with you and soon, with my family and my employer.

I'm sure that you've probably noticed by now that I removed my first name from my Facebook profile and that a few people have started calling me by my last name. Over the course of the next 1-2 years, as the testosterone replaces the estrogen in my body, I'll essentially go through puberty (AGAIN) and will be developing male secondary sexual characteristics. As my body changes and I start to appear more masculine, it only makes sense that my name and pronouns will have to change too. Going by my last name, Embrey, seemed to be a fair compromise. It's a name that most of you already associate with me, so hopefully it won't be too hard to start using it instead of “A____”. I will also be legally changing my first name, and you are certainly more than welcome to use it if you're more comfortable with that.

Let me take a minute now to reassure you that I've spent years considering this decision and its impact on the people in my life. I assure you that this is a VERY necessary step for me, and it's not a decision that I've taken lightly or without responsibility. I also want to assure you that I will not become someone who's unfamiliar to you... in fact, these steps will allow me to physically reveal to you the person I've been all along. The person no one has been able to see on the outside, but who's been at the core of who I am for as long as I can remember. The person I am now (and have always been) will not change. I'm afraid you're stuck with ME — regardless of the package that my silliness comes in 😉

Most of my life has been a struggle to balance, explain and justify the person I've been on the inside vs. the person the world sees on the outside, and it's SO AMAZING to finally be able to reconcile the two!

I understand that my physical transition will be an emotional transition for everyone who knows and loves me. I don't expect immediate acceptance from all of you. It took me YEARS to be okay with it myself, so I do understand... I understand that you will have questions and concerns, and I am here to help you—to help you find that understanding and to find education, and hopefully—ultimately—to find a place of acceptance and support for me in this journey.

At this time, I AM asking that you respect my decision. And that you respect my request to call me E____ and begin making the switch to masculine pronouns (he/his/him) when referring to me... I know it might feel weird at first, and I totally get it. It's a little weird for me too—after living 34 years as A____/she/her. I don't expect an immediate light switch-effect regarding the change in my name or switch to masculine pronouns... I trust that this will become easier over time, and I will certainly be patient and understanding of genuine slip-ups as you come to terms with these adjustments.

I also ask that you please respect my timeline and pace regarding this challenging "coming out" process. I know that a lot of us have many friends/acquaintances in common, and while this is, INDEED, exciting news and juicy gossip 🙂 please understand that it's also my responsibility and my right to inform the various people in my life in my own time.

If you're looking for someone to talk to—you can certainly come to me! Even if it's just to find out who else knows.

Please know that you are all VERY important to me, and I truly value your friendships. I hope that this is something we can work through and celebrate together!

Love to you all,

Embrey